After Eight Years

I've been feeling heartsick lately, especially after returning from my holiday since a big decision awaited me. It has taken me over two months to bring myself to make this decision, hoping I might find other options. Most recently things have happened that render other options impossible.

That's why today I finalized the arrangements and my horse will be put down next Tuesday.

The final straw was that he collapsed from under his own weight on Easter Sunday. My friend was there and she said she has never seen anything like it. He was running in a paddock when he crashed really badly, so badly that he lay flat on his side after the fall. Whatever has been causing him to stumble in perfect condition is just getting worse, he stumbles some every time I exercise him. Stumbles in good conditions with only his own weight to carry.

My horse, whose name is Nökkvi, is the first and only horse I have had the pleasure to own. I have gone through so much of my life with him. It has, in fact, been my entire adult life. He has taught me so much about responsibility, persistence, training, companionship and not to mention my own personality.

However, I think he hasn't been well for a long time. The stumbling has been persistent for a few years now with no solution despite my attempts to find a cause. Now he seems to be detoriorating something awful. He's not safe to ride anymore and if he gets any worse I fear he may be a danger to himself. He already seems to be.

I don't really know how or what I'm feeling exactly beneath the numbness. I think this is the best I can do for now:

:(